Under Construction - Refocusing!

Lost... disoriented.. wandering.. confused... unfocused.. did I mention lost?

So far this year has been a year of confusion; a sorting out of things. I sit here today attempting to find the focus that normally drives my existence. My life has changed- not in a bad way- just changed.

*Family-

The children have moved on leaving my husband and I to wander how we managed before they arrived. Homestead dynamics change when there are fewer hands on deck.

*Work-

My husband and I work different shifts which often means we aren't home at the same time. Basic home duties are trying to rotate around odd hours.

*Home-

While we still homestead, we are faced with the challenge of scaling down and figuring out what fits the two of us instead of the five or more of us. Gardens, livestock, and land management are in limbo as we try to gage our resources.

*Time-

Yes, it seems I would have more time, but that's really a misconception. With less hands to help with the work, there is less time. Any amount of free time I find is being used to clean out and declutter as much as possible.. except:

*Study-

Since crazy runs in my family, I decided to register for my holistic health and nutrition license which means time needed for study before the exam. This takes me away from the declutter focus I was on.

Basically- it's chaos around here, but, here's the jist. The homestead, blog, and person are 'under construction'. There will be brainstorming, creative chaosing, and all out overhauling! While the blog is still something I want to do, it really needs some clean up (along with everything else).

For the next month or two, my focus will be intently on my exam. After that, the homestead gets a face lift, the clutter gets moved out, and the blog gets a redesign!

Let's see how this goes :)

Find the Moments

I am a real person- flawed and messy. My life is not all together. Over the course of my journey no part of my existence has been perfect- not my parenting, my marriage, my work, or my walk. Never do I want the illusion of perfection. That said, I see families struggling, falling, and hurting all around me.. seeking some sense they are okay. To you I say, we are all struggling- our struggles may be different, but still struggles. No part of family is easy; you have to find the moments.

Some of us hold beautiful memories of our family life: childhood experiences we keep near our hearts. It may be a mealtime around the table, working side by side in the garden, or just sitting on a bench waiting for the next thing. These are memories made in random moments that grounded us in the midst of chaos and busy schedules. While we have these memories, we also need to ensure our children have them.

Sometimes the moments are random: stuck in the car during traffic, cleaning stalls, or sitting down for a breath. As adults, we need to seize these random times and embrace them as precious; wait for the still of things to bring a relaxed time for open, non-confrontational communication. Here is where they tell us their troubles, share their hearts, and maybe even seek our counsel.

There are moments we need to plan for: sipping coffee before the day starts, an afterschool snack time, or a weekly family dinner. These moments are consistent times for our children to know we are there for them; they can share, question, and consider things that really need to be. Knowing these times are available to them will help them feel secure in talking to us.

Our children need this as much as we do, but our aging families do as well. Moments like these give value to our elders and remind them they are still important to us. These moments feed us just as much as it feeds them- for we are still forming bonds and memories, too.

This week I seek the memory of moments- times of bonding, caring and forgiveness. The season of my life is changing as I face aging family members, young adult children, and the time of grandparenting.

The moments may look different to each of us, but let's not neglect having them... one day they may be all we have.

Wet But Not Washed Away

Dear Everyone,


It seems I cannot remember how many days it has been since the flood and rains began- but I do know it has not stopped. Our little homestead has not suffered any significant damage so far; God has been quite merciful! That said, many around can not say the same.


Homes, vehicles, and anything not rooted down are washing away in record breaking flood waters. Trees continue to fall offering their own form of devastating damage. Roads remain or become impassable on an hour by hour basis. Livestock struggle to be relocated. Let's just say- this are dire and they are not going to improve soon.


While we are fine, and our family are accounted for- our hearts and hands go out to those in need, helping in any way we can. Our office takes calls daily assisting our community in finding resources and services they need. At home, we make contact and offer assistance wherever we can. It is time to come together and get through it.


Let's take a moment today and consider the needs of others while it is in our power to do so.

The Family Table

Family gathered around the table for a meal; it's almost a foreign concept in our modern world. Schedules, activities, entertainment, and disconnect pull us away from each other toward a broken yet together existence. The struggle to bring everyone to one place, at one time, for one purpose is greater than I realized. Can it be reversed?


Many adults today can still remember a family meal, though often is was not with their parents but their grandparents. Fond memories can be seen on their faces as they recall the last time they sat with a loved one and shared the events of a day over home cooked food. The desire for their children to experience this is there, however, the obstacles are great and the habit is already formed.


When my children were small, mealtime at the table was a regular occurrence. This was our time to share the day, events to come, and openly talk about things we didn't quite understand. Food was prepared together with everyone pitching in, and we practiced relating to each other's preferences and differences.


As a parent, we make time for the things we value most- and we set the tone for our homes. I understand the reality of family dynamics that make daily meals together nearly impossible- yet can we aim for one? Many parents are open to the idea of a weekly family meal- something a bit more achievable.


I was recently asked if the importance was the home cooked meal or the time together? That depends on the family. One family in my class shared how they valued a weekend evening of cooking together- all hands in as they prepared a 'home cooked' meal. She found joy in the process and appreciated the openness that came as they cut veggies and cleaned messes. Another family shared the value in sitting together- no matter where the meal came from- she appreciated the relaxed atmosphere of sitting together without a kitchen to clean, just time to focus on her family conversation. So, there is no wrong answer except not finding the time together.


My tips and tips from other families:
*plan it- it is more likely to happen if it is on the calendar
*be consistent yet flexible- is it a weekend thing that can be either Saturday or Sunday?
*ditch the phone- it's tough, but leave the gadgets in the other room for an hour (parents too)
*make it fit you- if cooking with your kids stresses you out, consider focusing on the table time instead of the cooking
*relax- new habits take time to establish, and older kids are more resistant to change
*bring baby along- even if the little one has eaten or is too small, bring them in their swing or sit them in the high chair with a few toys or cereal to nibble- this starts a habit of being at the table


With my children grown, I have to say those times of sitting around the table are precious to me; they may have been messy at times or even frustrating, but they were totally worth it!

The Most Precious Gifts

Every living thing communicates; all communication is not the same. Some souls have their own way of sharing their heart and connecting their soul with us.


Kneeling in a garden with a small group of children, one stood away from the activity. Quietly watching, he seemed vaguely interested yet distant. Others scampered about seeking new discovery.. not this one. I busied myself with the task of pulling weeds with whomever stopped by me to assist.


Alone there at the garden edge, he crept toward me. Hesitation gave way to calm as he came to kneel beside me. Small hands reached out to touch my hair gently pulling the long braid from my shoulder, he softly turned it this way and that.. studying it for a long period of time.


We stayed there at the edge of the broccoli bed, my braided hair in his hand as I worked with others to clear the debris. There was a quiet peace amongst the energy of his classmates. My heart marveled at the contrast of the three students there working with me: one scampered about bolding exclaiming his enthusiasm at every leaf and blossom; one seemed to follow the first but held some shy hesitation as if afraid to discover on his own; the one beside me seemed quietly content to just hold my hair.


Confidence seemed to grow as he stretched his free hand out and pointed to the nearby strawberry bed; he had discovered a half ripened berry hiding beneath the leaves. Without words we nodded to each other as he offered only a faint smile in return for mine. Hesitantly he leaned close to my face, looked me straight in the eye with my braid in his hands he whispered the word 'colors'.


I share this story to remind myself and you, every thing.. every one.. communicate in their own way, in their own time. The most precious gifts are revealed when we wait and allow them the comfort and security to share them with us. These three boys stole my heart- each in their own way. They fed my soul and taught me to watch and wait for the beauty of their being. I thank them for teaching me!


Miss K and 'Charlie' snuggling

Fitness on the Homestead

Fitness? Is it important to the modern day homesteader? Why? What does it look like for those of us who spend our days covered in goat slobber and chicken poop? Is there a way to be fit as a homesteader (without adding more to our to-do list!).


First let me say- I do not like things that are impractical or expensive to do, after all, I have livestock to feed. Many fit-minded people seem set on the notion there must be money, memberships and plenty of time exerted to make fitness happen. I disagree. That lifestyle works for many, but it isn't for everyone.


By definition, fitness is the quality or state of being fit. Being fit is to be in a state of health and well-being. Please note: no where does skinny or thin play into the definitions! So what does it mean?


Being a fit homesteader, according to my philosophy and practice, means having the health and well being to fulfill the goals and tasks set about by my lifestyle. Can I handle the feed sacks and hay bales my livestock require? Do I have the energy and range of motion to clean stalls, trim hooves, and aide a sick animal? Is there stamina for the long days my lifestyle demands? These are the questions I ask myself when I consider fitness for my homesteading life. The level of fitness needed may be determined by the level of homesteader a person has chosen to be.


Let's consider my fit-ness day:
* strength- hauling feed, water, shavings, etc. this entails flexibility, range of motion, and strength- some parts of my chore routine are heavier than others
* walking- from gate to gate, pasture and stalls, there is plenty of ground to cover at a moderate or brisk pace
* running- ever herded goats or chickens?
* endurance- the days are long so my energy level needs to be fairly high


As you can see, most of my 'fit routine' come from daily activity required by my lifestyle; not to say some supplementation hurts. I often hike or walk trails, tracks, and wooded areas. Sometimes I use kettle bells to add to my strength routine. Yoga and stretching are regular for me as I desire to relieve soreness, maintain flexibility, and distress after a long day.


In the end, does it matter? I firmly believe being fit, no matter what our work, is vital. Parents and grandparents need a level of fit-ness to meet the demands of their family life (and work life). Singles, office personnel, clerks- we all need a level of fit-ness to maintain health and stamina.


Start where you are and go from there. Determine your fit-ness goals by how you feel and what your lifestyle demands.

A Walk in the Garden

Walking through the garden last night I tried to calm my mind; to find the peace that is lacking. I'm not good at stillness, but rather find busyness more my nature. Between the rows there were young hens picking at the fresh cut grasses, kittens poised for a chase, and dear Ben at my side wondering at my mood. My hand brushes over the herbs releasing their precious oils- I breathe deep in natural response to the action.


Eventually I found myself picking green beans- something I have been doing since I was old enough to know how; something I have done with my own children since they were old enough to be taught how. My mind wondered over the memories of how we did this together- a somewhat dreaded task. Mosquitoes hiding under the leaves pester us as we rush to find every hidden one before the sun sets. Talk of our day would ebb and flow to help us pass the time.


Stopping to stretch I realize it completely boggles my mind to think one of my children will be so far away in just a short time- in a place he really wasn't hoping to go. The military is like that though. His call challenged me as I respectfully tried to find ways to listen and yet lessen the hesitation he had. It will be and adventure for both of us; he will see a whole new world and I will find my new place in this one.


It is amazing how a walk in the garden allows you to sort through the 'boxes' in your heart- those places where we tuck things away so we don't have to deal with them at the time. Things will be okay. It will all work out. Life will move forward and a new adventure will begin.


Thank God for the garden!

A Mother Overlooked

For many, this weekend was filled with beautiful luncheons, dainty teas, and pretty pastel flowers. Some reflected sorrowfully over mothers long gone, or their own painful mother experiences. I propose there is another scenario often forgotten by the general consensus: the mother overlooked.

This woman is a busy woman. She is behind the scenes rushing about to get everything in order- everything in place. A program director, teacher, hostess of the day this woman has spent days- maybe even weeks- preparing for others to enjoy the gift and joy of their experience.

I celebrate this woman who drew no attention to herself and most likely received no recognition for her efforts. Today she goes on about her work, knowing full well that another holiday responsibility is just around the corner and if she is going to make it happen she needs to start preparing now.

Bless this dear soul in the shadows. May we look for her there and offer a sweet smile of acknowledgement for her humble and gentle strength.

Finding My Feet Again

Sometimes our best laid plans just don't make it.

That is how I sum up this year so far.

Empty nest. Wacky weather. Travel. Floods. Computer virus and one crashed. Full time job. Full time homestead.

I keep thinking, one of these days I am going to get it figured out.

That day hasn't arrived yet- but I'm working on it.

Right now- one computer is functional. The rain has stopped. Water has receded. Job is moving along at a varied pace. I am still alive and in the upright position.

Until you homestead without your children, you never really realize how much they did. It never occurred to me how well delegated responsibilities were until I stood at the feed storage area and saw empty bins! Who normally handles that? The past four months have been a crazy roller coaster of sink or swim- in which there were days I am pretty sure I drowned. Time to get it together! After all, my children would be ashamed of me making such a failure of this life we built together.

Today- I find my feet.

Plans are drawn and laid out- revisions and changes are on the horizon in an effort to streamline and conquer. The problem, I realize, is that I kept trying to do things the way we were doing them together...but we are not together! Time to take ownership of the mess and make it work for me. Once a week I will assess those feed storage bins and actually not run out!

There will still be gardens, and chickens, goats and a fussy donkey.

I will find the floor of the quilting room and once again let my creative juices out of their box.

Miss K and I will paint and plan and play.

My short arms and stubby legs will manage to start and work the push mower.

Meals will be made *I had no idea how hard it was to cook for one (my husband and I work different shifts).

As I find my footing, I tip my hat to all you wonderful farm girls out there who do this day in and day out.. alone.. with outside jobs... with that empty nest. You ladies rock!

May I learn from you!!!

Some how, some way this is all going to be okay.

Embracing the Role of a Veteran Parent

The youngest two- all grown up

Recently a friend of mine delivered her first precious baby just as my youngest 'baby' flew the coop. Her parenting journey is just beginning as mine seems to have ended. Or did it? As we chatted over the joy of her beautiful little treasure, the reality set in: our parenting journey never really ends, it just changes. 

Enter the season of the veteran parent. 

Instead of being on demand, educating, protecting and providing for the needs of our children, my husband and I have now found ourselves in a 'hands-off' role. We are now long-distance advisers to adult children; the counselors they turn to when they need a booster shot of parent wisdom and tough love.

Instead of having babies to rock and homework to help with, we are now grandparents that enjoy the little ones for a day.. or from a distance. We are there to encourage other parents plodding the path we have already trod. 

As a veteran parent, I can gather my compassion and share my wisdom with the world around me. I can seek opportunities to be available to my grown kids and for those struggling to survive their tender fleeting years with littles and youth. I can be available, open and willing to step alongside and listen to one who is frustrated, broken, grieving and ready to quit; hold the hand of the parent in despair or the one who feels all alone. 

Friends, whatever stage of parenting we are in... we are all in this together. Let's encourage one another and be available to lend support!

Getting Back to Me

Hello, my name is Michele. It has been over a month since my last post.

Already this year, this small life has had so many not so small changes. I'm not sure why these particular changes have been so challenging- change happens all the time. For some reason, this season of change tipped my bucket and set me off my course. 

Enough already. Enough letting things tip my scales and topple my blocks. It is time to get back to me- to the things that make me tick and push my drive; to the things that feed my soul giving me the charge to function. I have had enough moping and bemoaning the changes. 

Starting today I am getting back to...

                        

Teaching! I am an educator by nature and there is no way to hide from it- but I was trying. These days I have a full time job which offers me the opportunity to teach a wide range of beautiful souls a wide range of subjects I love. 

Cooking! Yes, my job involves cooking- but I mean the ebb and flow of taste and trial.. the experimentation of flavor, texture and color. Do you know how hard it is to cook when there is only one or two to feed?

The Barn Things! Little chirps and peeps- fuzzy baby goat noses- it has been far too long. There are two does ready to pop and I am very ready to cuddle me some babies!

Gardens! Three sad, neglected gardens long for love and spring is a great time to jump in. As the days get a bit longer, hopefully I will be able to rewild myself after hours with some much needed soil and garden therapy.

Sewing! So many empty rooms in my house are calling to me for useful rearranging, one of which is the sewing room. My fabric stash is overflowing- all I need is time/ My son is going to need a manly quilt to keep him warm when he finishes basic training.. and my grandbaby will need a bigger quilt to cuddle. I need to get busy!

Blogging- believe it or not, ,,my mind wanders over posts yet to be written, stories yet to be shared, and the many untold dramas that daily life holds. The only thing keeping me away from here has been me and my anxious, noxious self- pitifulness. Time to get over it.

Today is a new day in a new season of life. It is long past time to let go, leave behind, and move on. It is time to get back to me. Let's walk this path and see where the trail leads us. Come join me!

Breath...

The cold winter wind finally found its way to the homestead; a wind of change, I do believe. This year is leaving me and moving on never to be seen again.

So many changes have come and gone on the little plot of earth we inhabit:
        children have grown...
             a grandchild has come...
                    jobs and routines have altered...
                      a boy became a man...
                           all while I wasn't looking.

This year has been a challenging year of revelation; a time to see the hard truths and find the way to face them. Nothing tragic has happened and no losses have occurred- things have just changed.

With a new year comes evaluation and adjustment; life will be different:
            no children living at home....
                a full time job with changes of its own...
                     a young man in the military spreading his wings and taking flight...
                          the home to consider.

There is no doubt in my mind the homestead will need to adjust to the needs and changes of our household. We have less people to feed, so considerations will be made regarding gardens, livestock, and space; no plans to end our homesteading- only adjust it.

I sit in the quiet wrapped in hand made warmth; Ben and my warm cup for company as I patiently wait for the ideas to flow. For now, it is time to rest... to breath.

Happy New Year! May God's grace be with you.



 

Rambling: The Overly Affectionate Dog

The other day I read an article about a woman who was dropping her dog off at the animal shelter because he 'constantly wanted to be near her'. Yes, you read that right. Pet owner, dog shelter- reason given: overly affectionate. I was dumbfounded. Was affection not the reason most of us take in a dog?

Admittedly, the livestock on my homestead live here for a purpose. They provide a purpose, meet a need, or serve as protection: goats are milk and meat, poultry are meat and eggs, while the donkey is the herd keeper and the puppy (Ben) is guardian. Despite how cold this may sound, they also serve as companions, comedians, and comfort- distractions from the world around me. Never has one of them been sent away or put down because of their affection.

This article came across my news feed shortly after my own Ben was attacked in our own property by two aggressive pit bulls. In reality, my dog's 'affection' for us nearly cost him his life; he was protecting us because he loves us.

Before we jump to condemn this woman, let us consider her lack of understanding. True- a dog can be inconvenient when they jump on your cleanly pressed work clothes; when you trip over them every time you turn around in the kitchen- or when they bark at the 'shady intentions' of every leaf in the yard. Did she not realize that, in turn, the dog's affection also meant his loyal protection? He would, most likely, defend her against any unsavory intruder (human or otherwise)? Warn her of danger- natural or devised (snakes? coons? even a 'dark personality')?

The take away from all this rambling? Animals of any type are a responsibility we must consider before we bring them home; sometimes people just don't know how to handle them; and, finally, if we put the work into them, the benefits out weigh the irritation.

Now if you will excuse me, my giant lug and I have a snuggle routine to complete before bedtime rounds start. 

Dark, Difficult Love

I did something I rarely do. I sat at the TV flipping through the 'holiday happy love' junk. Dozens and dozens of sappy situations to feed our emotions (and our discontentment). Every channel offered 'the spark', the glow, that tingly feel good thing that is suppose to be love.

Not one to deny those loves exist, I am one to say those moments are not constant. The warm, fuzzy emotion of love is fleeting, even occasional in real life. Images given to us by media and entertainment toy with us, pressing us to believe that is the one and only true love.

Love is a choice; an action; a daily thought that is tested and tried- pushed to its limits. Love challenges us to look at the deepest parts of ourselves and face what we often choose to hide. Our vanities and virtues are tested by love-
                   as we are placed in a place of humility for the needs of another
                        as we stand back for another to make their own choices no matter the outcome
                             as we look past the mirror and see the darkest parts of ourselves
                                  as we face who we are forced to reckon with that darkness and move forward.

Over the many years of my life, the pain and test of dark, deep love has surfaced and subsided. So many times it pushes me to places in my heart I dare not look (nor do I want to). Some moments creep up on you, some hit you like a bus:
                    as our dreams are not reality and others don't play by 'our rules
                           as our spouses are imperfect and flawed (as we are) choosing a path we didn't
                                  as our children grow and make choices and mistakes of their own
                                        as loved ones come to a place of need.

There is a beauty in choosing this dark, difficult love; in submitting to it, facing it, and working through the fire it brings. Nothing compares to the emotion, pain, and joy found here. When the dark moments pass, sweet release reveals the precious, secret reality:
                        there is no greater love that this
                                  there is no easy path to it
                                           there is no more precious a gift that to be given the opportunity to love
                                                     in the dark, difficult, humble and gracious
                                                                love.

The Balance of Being

Lately I find myself struggling to find the balance as our season in life changes. Isn't it amazing how you can finally start to get your footing in a stage, then wham! everything dumps over and we start again. In only a few short years we have gone from a bustling homestead full of teens, to an empty home with a grand baby.

When our children became adults, a whole new need for balance came with it. While we are still there parents, and forever will be, we are not their boss- nor should we be. There is need for balance to maintain a healthy relationship without hindering their independence. When asked by a parent how this is done I simply responded- it looks different to all of us.

For me, there is a tendency to tell them how to do it (not very balancing). As you can imagine this tends to grind nerves and set distance between us. Putting into practice the balance of being available without being in the way has helped quite a bit. I'm not saying there aren't times when a bit of 'motherly direction' slips out, but occasional is better received than constant.

Along with balancing our advice and directions, I found our time needs balanced. When they first left, they seemed more eager to come home for a weekend. Time as shown them visiting less and less, as is natural with growing independence, Not expecting them to drop everything and come over is part of the balance of respecting their space and their schedule.

Grand-parenting is another delicate balance to practice. New mommies don't necessarily take well to constant advice. Being available and willing to let them come to me when they are ready (if at all) is hard, but again, balancing. I can not tell you how hard I find it to sit back and remain silent sometimes (I'm sure it happened when I was a young mom too).

The last balancing I am finding these days is the balance of aging family. Giving our aging or declining families their space, independence, and integrity is hard. I am a do-er, a fixer.. I do not sit back and wait very well. My nature is to jump in and get it done, but that can tip the scale quickly. It isn't easy to let them decide they need help, but it does transition more smoothly if we do.

My empty-ing nest is a new challenge; one I am trying to balance gracefully. So far I have spent a great deal of time crying, praying and most often distracting myself with projects. In the end, I realize the only contentment I will find is in seeking the balance of being where I am, with who I am, for the purpose of what I am.

Technical Difficulties- I was not cut out for machinery!

Okay, okay- I broke it again! Can I just say that in all my years of sewing I have never had so much trouble with one. This sucker is finicky. Three baby size quilt tops were cranked out since the last mess and here we go again.

Before you recite the very same words my father said- no, it is not a bent needle. Yes, I checked. Yes, I change it. For whatever reason my top thread is catching on the right side of the bobbin case (inside the bobbin area). No obvious barbs or snag that I see or feel, just seems too tight for the thread to move smoothly. So frustrating!

After much research and a lot of frustrating disassembly, it seems these problems are common to my particular machine and it's family. Some issues are relieved slightly by very frequent cleaning and oiling in the bobbin well. Yuck. I mean, have you ever taken a large sewing machine bobbin area apart? Grief.

So what do you do? Today, I shut the door to my sewing room- declared that persnickety machine dead to me- and pulled out 'old faithful'. I pulled out my standard, box store special, Singer home sewing machine. It still knows how to function without throwing a fit!

Until next time- my fancy, froofroo million dollar baby is in an extended time out and the faithful little machine that could is called to action. Back to the stitching, ladies!

AND- just let me say- THE NEEDLE WAS NOT BENT!!!!  (this time)

Trying to Catch My Breath

    

A flurry of activities

appointments

work commitments...

family..

functions of every kind.

These days I find myself trying to catch my breath..

to focus

stay on top of things

to function without losing my mind amidst

a calendar

family

home

and the things that pierce us so deep we dare not discuss it.

 

This weekend found me

lost

unclear

unable to wrap my mind around the events that present themselves.

Sometimes we are pressed so hard we no longer see.

That's where we are...

and I am trying to catch my breath.

 

Next week will find me

pushing the clock

packing the car

planning the break

and creating new distractions to keep me from losing my mind.

 

But for now

I am trying to catch my breath.

What Do You Do When?



 

     A funny conversation happened at my conference, right after one of my presentations. I was approached by an older couple who noted that, by my mannerism and enthusiasm, I had to be a teacher. It gets funnier.

You must be a teacher. Only a teacher speaks like that.

Why, thank you, yes I am.

What do you do when you are not teaching?

What? I am always teaching.

What do you do when you are not in the classroom?

I teach outside.

What do you do when you are home?

Teach my family.

And when you sleep?

I dream about teaching.

You are a strange, yet passionate woman- your husband has his hands full.

You have no idea!

       We walked away with a hearty laugh and a precious hug, seeing each other often though out the course of the week. While the conversation may seem odd, I treasure it, for it is encouraging that others see my heart when I speak. For me, all of life is a classroom and every one I meet is either teaching me or being taught by me. I am blessed by this sweet couple and their gentle humor at my goofy, yet very real way of being me. 

Something's Gotta Give

      Exhausted. Dumbfounded. Frustrated. I sit here tonight utterly lost in the cosmic nonsense. Issues that have been pushed back and tucked away but never fully addressed have shoved themselves front and center, boiling over like a cauldron. Something has to give. Where is the revelation, the flaming arrow, when you need it? Some things seem so clear as if where I am is exactly where I am meant to be, yet there are other things that just can't seem to find resolve.

relationships that just don't work

personalities that grate

projects I cannot complete

broken habits

sleep I can't find

time that just doesn't exist

         No great words of wisdom have been found. Comfort hasn't come. Some stresses just don't have

relief. 

I love my family

my job

the little munchkins that cross my path

the idea of 'better'

the fantasy of problems solved

and rest

Tomorrow is a new day- and it has great things promised for it, yet in the corner of my eye the reality of unresolved issues looms. Is what I do worth it? What is it that will give?

A Weekend in Review

      Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is- according to the U.S. Department of Labor- a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country. Hm. That is interesting. Did you spend this weekend contemplating the strength, prosperity and well-being of our country as it relates to your work? I didn't.
       Most of us approach Labor Day as another opportunity to force ourselves into hosting some form of gathering- at least that is my opinion. I, personally, would rather pull weeds in my garden, muck the coop, and sit on my porch swing reading my newest Joel Salatin book- none of which I managed to do this weekend. Even if those goals had been met- I still wouldn't have been pondering the effect of my little job on the nation's well-being.
        Instead, I rocked a sweet grandbaby while getting some seeds in start cells, read same baby stories while trying not to ponder the junk in the yard that needed cleaned up, and played 'giddy-up' with that very same baby while running tomorrow's work day though my mind. While some were mowing, sweeping and shopping, I dabbled in drool and infectious giggles. Who manages to consider the efforts of their work when two tiny teeth peek out of a smile every other minute? Sorry, not me.
        Lest I be a stooge, there was a last minute grill gathering at my homestead; a few family members who wanted to share in the giggles and spiddles I had been enraptured with. It was simple yet fun with no talk what so ever of our jobs or social impact. No.. we laughed and babbled.. ate and played pass the baby.. we fussed about what to do with the left overs and went our own way never once considering the purpose of the labor movement.
         So tonight, covered with bubbles from her bath and drool from our story time I take a moment to ponder the meager employee which is me and how small a dimple I must make in the great national work force. My job is rather insignificant to most large minded economic social number crunchers, and yet.. it impacts the community around me.. it opens doors to connections otherwise lost.. it has grown from a tiny temporary project to a large and blossoming opportunity. My job may be small, my global impact insignificant.. but to a tiny child.. my job is priceless. That is what I celebrate tonight.. on Labor Day.. as I savor a bowl of Blue Bell with my amazing 'Mr. Go'.